I Don't Know What I'm Into Anymore...

I've just finished reading the book He's just not that into you—the no-excuses truth to understanding guys. It was an upsetting read—and totally the wrong choice so close to Valentine's Day.

The book's premise is that men will lie and treat you like crap unless they're really into you. It's co-written by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo, former writers on the hit television show Sex and the City. You, of course, have no control over whether or not the man is into you, so you have to wait around until a guy comes along that is.

In the meantime, Tuccillo advises, "There is something great about knowing that my only job is to be as happy as I can be about my life...so that it doesn't ever feel like I'm just waiting around for some guy to ask me out." But Behrendt's advice is to never, ever ask a guy out because, he says, "Do you really have time for a guy who's so afraid of you that he's not even capable of inviting you for coffee?"

So basically women are supposed create a fabulous life so they won't notice they're not being asked out. 

The book gives examples of how women rationalize men's bad behavior with excuses like:

• He's afraid to get hurt again
• He's got a lot on his mind
• He's been traveling a lot
• Maybe he's intimidated by me
• Maybe he just wants to take it slow

According to the book, none of these excuses can possibly be true. If he's not calling, taking you out, or only shows up for sex every two weeks, well he's not that into you. 

I do agree that women should recognize when we're making excuses and not waste time with men that aren't that into us.  I wasted basically my whole adult life with the wrong men and I see that more clearly after reading this book.

Still, I think there's an underlying message that "this is the way men are, the way they've always been, and the way they always will be." The responsibility of how we, as women, are treated is ours and ours alone because little boys will never change. Somehow, that doesn't seem fair (yeah, life's not fair, I know.)

The promo copy reads:

"Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo are here to say that—despite good intentions—you're wasting your time. (The book) says "Unfortunately guys are too terrified to ever directly tell a woman, 'you're not the one.' But their actions absolutely show how they feel."

So what does that mean exactly? It's our fault of course. It's always our fault. It's our fault that men aren't mature enough to get over being "terrified" of us Big Bad Women, and can't express how they feel. Awww, poor babies.

We as women are responsible for deciphering a man's actions which, according to the book, isn't hard after all. If a man exhibits anything less than basic good manners, then he's not that into us and we should kick him to the curb. So the same guy who is a complete dog to most women, is capable of being Prince Charming as long as he meets a woman who he's into. 

That means we have to work real hard to be the kind of women men will be "into" so we can stop hooking up with frogs and meet some princes already.

Nowhere is that message more pronounced than in your local bookstore.

Most of the dating books for women are about "how to meet and marry the man of your dreams" and most of the dating books for men are about "how to meet and seduce as many women as possible."

Here are some examples I found in the same category (Dating) by surfing Amazon.com:

Dating Books For Women

• Why Men Love Bitches: from Doormat to Dreamgirl--a woman's guide to holding her own in relationships
• Men are like Fish: what every woman needs to know about catching a man
• Stop Getting Dumped! All You Need to Know to Make Men Fall Madly in Love with You and Marry "The One" in 3 Years or Less
• What Men won't tell you but Women Need to Know
• Mr. Right...Right Now!
• Don't Call that Man!
• How to Make a Man Fall in Love With You: the Fail Proof, Fool Proof Method
• Closing the Deal: Two Married Guys Take you from Single Miss to Wedded Bliss
• Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others: The Fascinating Research that can land you the husband of your dreams
• Finding a Husband After 35
• Using What I Learned at Harvard Busines School Date Like a Man: What Men Know About Dating and Are Afraid You'll Find Out

Dating Books for Men

• The System: How to get Laid Today!
• The Guide to Picking Up Girls
• The Art of Seduction
• Body Language Secrets
• How to Succeed With Women
• Make Every Girl Want You: Everything from Picking Up Girls to Having a Successful Relationship

Maybe they exist, but I didn't see one book targeted to men about "How to Make a Woman Want to Marry You."

There was a rather intriguing title for women: You're Not That Into Him Either. Hope to check that out soon.

The message that women shouldn't waste their time is a good one, and I'm going to tell my younger (straight women) friends to read this book. Maybe they'll avoid some of the mistakes I've made (if they'll listen--which they probably won't.) I just hate to tell them that they may end up having to spend most, if not all, of their life alone.

I interviewed Paula Abdul this week. I asked her—as I've been asking all my interview subjects recently—what her Valentine's Day plans were. She laughed and said that she's working with Yahoo.com to do an "It's Okay To Be Single on Valentine's Day" feature, and emphasized it's important to love yourself first.

Yes--pretty, talented, successful, sweet-natured Paula Abdul is alone on Valentine's Day.

At least I'm in good company.

Comments

[Myrna Bonilla]

Judy, I've read some of the books you've listed on your blog. I too invested too many years on men who were unappreciative, but I truly believe there is someone out there for me (well, maybe he's with someone else). So I won't do what I used to do when I was younger, go out hunting, harpoon the first man and bring him into my life. Heck, no, this latina is too busy reading, working, quilting, attending college and loving herself. And, when he arrives I'll be what we both need in a harmonious, faithful and REAL relationship. Let's keep it real.

[Mandy]

Love your site!! I have had a blast reading it and I linked to you. Thanks for the link. I just posted more on the Victor Mercado issue - and the Bert Show isn't happy with me. To be a pop culture junkie :)

[ruth]

This book came as a dopeslap to me, despite being long-married to the only guy who didn't fit my "picture" of who I wanted (one of those moody brooders), and who I was lucky enough to say yes to on faith. Problem is, I think, when women don't know how to differentiate love and limerence, and we don't communicate and set boundaries. We get what we'll have. It's men's responsibility to be decent...don't forget that the trade paperback "bibles" to how men should be are not the ONLY bibles describing how a man should be...even secular literature outlines what an honorable man, father and spouse should be...Cosmo and Maxim are not the last stop on the proper shaping of an ethical adult. We as women choose how to act, choose what to accept, choose what values to instill in our children. In my dating years, I was clueless...thought holding out was prudish, and just did not know AT ALL how to conduct an adult partnership. I heard both co-writers of the song "I Can't Make You Love Me" last month...and you know what? That song is ALWAYS right. I don't think you can MAKE anyone love you, or treat you right...but if LOVE AND RESPECT is ALL you will accept, then you will never have anything less, when it does appear. I too wasted sooooooo much time. I lucked out because I said, hey, I'm just HAPPY being with this guy...it's not dramatic, it's not a fairytale. I was accidentally smart. And lucky. But I too grieved past errors, reading this, and vowed to share it with my daughter when the time came. I hear Steven Carter's books are very good "He's Scared, She's Scared".